Another fantastic performance with Ensemble Musikfabrik in Köln! Here in the picture is my wonderful colleague, Hannah Weirich, to whom I owe deep admiration and friendship. Also in the picture is the debut of my new blonde hair.
In the last minute of the Ligeti String Quartet No. 2, the viola reaches a hauntingly beautiful F# harmonic - and during the performance I experienced a bit of an electric shock when it happened. I felt a glow, like a halo around the note - and the past 20 minutes of the piece flew by in a flash. Nothing mattered anymore; mysteries remain mysteries, events steer directions, and the piece disappeared into thin air. We move on.
Somehow this made me think of these words of Béla Bartók - words that have inspired me for years…
Make me something more, I don’t want to be a character, I want to be everything and impossible to collapse. I want to be enormous, I want to reflect everything I see, I want to collect the universe and rewire it. I don’t want to understand you, and you can’t understand me, but I want us to try, indefatigably and fruitlessly. I want us to be bottomless and anti-time, completely unaware of the tilting table and sliding toward completion. There is no “wasting time” when it seems like a never-ending luxury, I want to be immortal or at least believe I am. If the end is a surprise, it may never really come because you lived without hesitation, hurry, or aging. I want to be ravenous for now, sensually alive to the point of implosion, disbelief, and euphoria. I want living to be like dying, everything has already been done so all you have is the immediate and there is nothing else to be done. I want life to be like death — angular, singular, and spectacular.